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  Raped.  What other word could I possibly use to describe what he did to me? He lied.  Then he tried to get the better of me.  And he nearly did.  He stole    my hope. Joy.  Peace.  He stole a part of me.  But I won’t let him steal my faith.  No possible way.  Jesus is my Savior.  Forever.  Despite everything, He carries me.  I run to him and there He is.  Arms open wide.  A big smile on His beauteous face  Waiting for His hurting child.  Always.  To the very end of my tumultuous broken life. 

I lost it.  Absolutely lost it.  I could not contain the tears.  The shaking.  The fears.  Feeling as if my whole world was collapsing at my feet.  Defeated.  But that cannot be.  I cannot allow this lack of belief.  I know with a certainty that my God is in control.  I must stop looking at the world and just trust.  Just trust.  God sees my desperation.  We are not living on the streets.  We are not without.  We may not have what we want, but we always have what we need.  I may feel defeated.  But that’s a lie coming straight from hell.  And my God is bigger than anything.  Even this horrendous heat.  So I lay everything at my sweet Jesus’ feet.  After all, He is in control  Not me.  No one.  Only Jesus.  He. 

I have never been this calm and joyful my entire life.  All of it.  And it has been quite a bit and quite the fight.  I have the scars to prove it due to my twenty-two surgeries over these very long years.  And I am utterly delighted with that particular fact.  Because I am very proud to be able to say they are my battle scars.  My precious son calls me The Bionic Woman given all my lovely hardware holding me together.  Almost everywhere.  My head, neck, right arm and left ankle.  So you see, I happen to know a thing or two about miracles.  One of those is in my brain.  Insane! With the 18 screws, I look, without my hair, and I have been there a time or two, believe you me, quite like a big white took a hungry bite.  I shall never be the same.  Given the whole out of my body thing.  I know it may sound as if I might possibly be suffering from insanity to those lost souls who do not believe in miracles.  But I do ...

  Is this torment ever going to end, Lord? Or am I stuck in prison forever? Have I been that bad? Do I deserve this? Whatever happened to the promised land? The land of milk and honey.  Will I ever arrive? Sleep in the lush green valley? Or is this it? Alone, wandering in the desert for 40 long years.   Just like my forefather Moses. Can you please part the sea, move the mountains that envelop me? Please God have mercy.  I keep your only son in my shattered  heart always.  I try to obey your commandments.  I beg for your forgiveness every single day.  I pray for my enemies to be blessed.  Everyone of them.  I know I will never be good enough.  But you died for me.  Washed me clean as snow with your sacrificial blood.  My sins have been forgiven.  I’ve toiled relentlessly  Shouted your sweet name from the rafters.  Yet here we are still.  A year has passed.  And the tears run down my cheeks...